1
00:00:00,867 --> 00:00:01,835
S♪ All right!

2
00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:03,036
♪ Hey!

3
00:00:03,136 --> 00:00:05,872
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪

4
00:00:05,972 --> 00:00:07,007
{\an8}(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

5
00:00:07,107 --> 00:00:09,876
{\an8}Okay.
So, here's the deal.

6
00:00:09,976 --> 00:00:11,845
{\an8}My lecture on
the Louisiana Purchase

7
00:00:11,945 --> 00:00:14,280
{\an8}has ironically
been postponed

8
00:00:14,381 --> 00:00:17,250
{\an8}due to my purchase of
a two pound breakfast burrito

9
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:19,452
{\an8}which is not gonna
eat itself.

10
00:00:19,552 --> 00:00:23,323
{\an8}So, feel free
to read quietly, doodle,
flirt with your neighbor,

11
00:00:23,423 --> 00:00:26,192
{\an8}whatever you want,
just don't set
anything on fire.

12
00:00:27,594 --> 00:00:28,762
{\an8}(EXCLAIMS)

13
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,064
{\an8}Bacon down,
nobody move.

14
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:34,167
{\an8}(EXCLAIMS) My back!

15
00:00:34,267 --> 00:00:35,201
{\an8}(GROANS)

16
00:00:35,668 --> 00:00:37,837
{\an8}Josh.

17
00:00:37,937 --> 00:00:40,306
{\an8}Reach into
my breast pocket
and get my Bengay.

18
00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:44,811
{\an8}(JINGLE PLAYING)

19
00:00:51,418 --> 00:00:54,187
{\an8}Okay,
we're all done.
How you doing?

20
00:00:54,287 --> 00:00:55,555
{\an8}Well, you know, Neil,

21
00:00:55,655 --> 00:00:58,224
{\an8}I've heard
a lot of bad stuff
about these MRI tubes,

22
00:00:58,324 --> 00:01:01,227
{\an8}but I gotta tell you,
very pleasant.

23
00:01:01,327 --> 00:01:03,663
{\an8}Some people think
it's a little claustrophobic.

24
00:01:03,763 --> 00:01:06,232
{\an8}More like
claustro-tastic.

25
00:01:08,034 --> 00:01:11,071
{\an8}How much for another
hour in this thing?

26
00:01:11,171 --> 00:01:13,640
{\an8}So, where exactly on
your back was the pain?

27
00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:15,341
{\an8}Well, I could show you.

28
00:01:15,442 --> 00:01:16,509
{\an8}It's right here on my...

29
00:01:16,609 --> 00:01:18,111
{\an8}On my right side,
is where it is.

30
00:01:18,211 --> 00:01:20,447
{\an8}And I sometimes get
a little tingling
in my leg

31
00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:22,749
{\an8}if I read too long
on the can.

32
00:01:25,151 --> 00:01:27,253
{\an8}Just wanted you
to know everything.

33
00:01:27,353 --> 00:01:28,588
So just the right side, then?

34
00:01:28,688 --> 00:01:30,290
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.

35
00:01:30,390 --> 00:01:33,026
But you did an MRI
on both sides, right?

36
00:01:33,126 --> 00:01:34,828
Mmm-hmm.
Okay.

37
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:37,263
'Cause when you asked
if the pain was only
on the right side,

38
00:01:37,363 --> 00:01:40,934
it kind of sounded like
you found something
on the left side.

39
00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:42,869
Did you find something
on the left side?

40
00:01:42,969 --> 00:01:44,904
Oh, sir,
I'm just a technician.

41
00:01:45,004 --> 00:01:46,439
I'm not really allowed
to interpret the film,

42
00:01:46,539 --> 00:01:48,007
but your doctor will be
calling you with the results.

43
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:49,509
Okay. All right.

44
00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:50,877
But I'm gonna be okay,
right?

45
00:01:50,977 --> 00:01:52,812
I'm sorry, I'm just
not allowed to say.

46
00:01:52,912 --> 00:01:54,214
It's a legal thing.

47
00:01:54,314 --> 00:01:57,083
Oh. Oh, legal?
All right, look,
take it easy, chief.

48
00:01:57,183 --> 00:01:58,751
Nobody's suing anybody
here, all right?

49
00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:02,355
Just a couple
of guys hanging
in the tube room, huh?

50
00:02:04,157 --> 00:02:06,126
So, how are you?

51
00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:07,160
I'm fine.

52
00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:08,561
Good. Good.
Glad to hear it.

53
00:02:08,661 --> 00:02:10,363
And how am I?

54
00:02:11,764 --> 00:02:14,267
Sir, it would be malpractice
if I said anything.

55
00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:17,103
Mmm-hmm. All right.
Well, don't say anything.

56
00:02:17,203 --> 00:02:19,606
Just give me a wink.
Give me a wink if I'm okay.

57
00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:20,907
You know...
One of those.

58
00:02:21,007 --> 00:02:23,476
Like you met me at a bar
and you liked what you saw.

59
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:29,949
Yeah, like I said,
you're gonna have to
talk to your doctor.

60
00:02:30,049 --> 00:02:31,618
Yeah, I know
like what you said.

61
00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:32,952
Okay. All right.

62
00:02:33,052 --> 00:02:34,554
You know, I'm gonna
level with you, Neil.

63
00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:36,256
Okay, based on
this conversation,

64
00:02:36,356 --> 00:02:39,259
I'm completely convinced
that, best case scenario,

65
00:02:39,359 --> 00:02:40,760
I'm losing half my back.

66
00:02:40,860 --> 00:02:43,062
So I'm just gonna ask you,
please, man to man,

67
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,064
tell me what the hell's
going on.

68
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,166
Your doctor...

69
00:02:46,266 --> 00:02:48,334
I hate you, Neil!

70
00:02:49,135 --> 00:02:50,303
Hate you.

71
00:02:50,403 --> 00:02:51,938
(JINGLE PLAYING)

72
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,741
(JINGLE PLAYING)

73
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:57,577
Well, it's official.
I'm dying.

74
00:02:59,145 --> 00:03:01,014
You are not dying.

75
00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:03,383
All the guy said was
he was not allowed to
discuss the results with you.

76
00:03:03,483 --> 00:03:05,752
That's a load of crap.
That's the medical
equivalent to

77
00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:08,321
"I'm just a cashier,
I don't have keys
to the safe."

78
00:03:09,422 --> 00:03:10,823
Hey, on your way
up to heaven,

79
00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:13,626
if that is where
you're headed,
please send down

80
00:03:13,726 --> 00:03:16,262
Uncle Ben's Country Inn
Rice Pilaf to see me.

81
00:03:16,362 --> 00:03:17,730
Yeah, yeah, great.
Laugh it up.

82
00:03:17,830 --> 00:03:19,465
But you're not gonna be
laughing when I'm gone

83
00:03:19,566 --> 00:03:21,834
and you're having
this conversation
with a ladder.

84
00:03:27,473 --> 00:03:28,708
Eddie, you're fine.

85
00:03:28,808 --> 00:03:31,978
You are totally overreacting
to this like you always do.

86
00:03:32,078 --> 00:03:33,413
You don't know me.

87
00:03:34,614 --> 00:03:37,016
The point is,
it is all in your head.

88
00:03:37,116 --> 00:03:38,251
Hey, you weren't
in that tube room.

89
00:03:38,351 --> 00:03:40,753
You didn't see the look
in that guy's eyes.

90
00:03:40,853 --> 00:03:44,057
He looked at me the same way
we used to look at Nana.

91
00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:46,459
Eddie, you're
a very healthy person.

92
00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:49,028
I mean,
look at all the new
places you've sprouted hair.

93
00:03:49,128 --> 00:03:50,763
That's got to be
a good sign.

94
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,302
Where you going?

95
00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:57,437
I'm going to get
the mail.

96
00:03:57,537 --> 00:03:59,405
If you live long enough
to see water boil,

97
00:03:59,505 --> 00:04:00,707
dump in the rice.

98
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:06,546
Oh, great,
I got a week to live

99
00:04:06,646 --> 00:04:08,781
and you got to go get
your  In Touch magazine.

100
00:04:08,881 --> 00:04:12,151
Now you can sleep easy
knowing that Britney
bought a car seat.

101
00:04:14,020 --> 00:04:15,054
Hey, you two.

102
00:04:15,154 --> 00:04:17,023
All right, heads up,
here come the wonder twins.

103
00:04:17,123 --> 00:04:18,324
Hey, guys.

104
00:04:18,424 --> 00:04:20,326
Hey. Hey, how was
your appointment?

105
00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:23,496
Well, you want the nice,
pretty answer that's gonna
leave you feeling all safe

106
00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:26,332
and warm inside or
you wanna know the truth?

107
00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:27,667
I just kind of
wanted to know...

108
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:29,802
My body
is a ticking time bomb!

109
00:04:29,902 --> 00:04:31,904
You kids are smart to run.

110
00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:33,206
If only I had run.

111
00:04:33,306 --> 00:04:35,108
Maybe then I...

112
00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:38,611
Wouldn't have
a mysterious fictional
disease eating you up inside?

113
00:04:38,711 --> 00:04:41,114
Denial.
Interesting way to play it.

114
00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:42,682
(SOBBING)

115
00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:44,617
Hey, you okay over there?

116
00:04:44,717 --> 00:04:46,019
I'm sorry.

117
00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:48,121
This is just like
Mr. Pajamas.

118
00:04:48,221 --> 00:04:50,123
Mr. Pajamas?

119
00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:51,958
Steph's childhood cat.

120
00:04:52,058 --> 00:04:55,528
It passed away
a few months ago
and it's still pretty fresh.

121
00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:57,163
He was only 21.

122
00:04:58,531 --> 00:04:59,966
I know I seem
a little crazy,

123
00:05:00,066 --> 00:05:02,235
but he was
a really great cat.

124
00:05:02,335 --> 00:05:03,836
Wasn't he, sweetie?

125
00:05:03,936 --> 00:05:05,338
Oh, yeah.
He was pretty great.

126
00:05:05,438 --> 00:05:06,572
Yeah.

127
00:05:06,673 --> 00:05:08,107
Pretty great.

128
00:05:08,207 --> 00:05:10,710
I might have missed
his prime, though,

129
00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:14,447
'cause he was completely
deaf and blind when I met him.

130
00:05:14,547 --> 00:05:18,484
But he still managed to
bite me pretty hard
a few times.

131
00:05:18,584 --> 00:05:21,020
Mostly when I was
changing his diapers.

132
00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:23,256
But, hey,
what a spirit, huh?

133
00:05:23,356 --> 00:05:24,390
He'll be missed.

134
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:26,225
Listen to me, Eddie.

135
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,561
We never gave up on
Mr. Pajamas.

136
00:05:28,661 --> 00:05:30,697
We flew to Canada
to see a specialist

137
00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:33,366
and thanks to
aggressive gene therapy,

138
00:05:33,466 --> 00:05:35,601
he got to see
one more Christmas.

139
00:05:35,702 --> 00:05:36,903
Well, not see,
but smell.

140
00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:38,004
(CHUCKLES)

141
00:05:38,104 --> 00:05:39,472
My point is,

142
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,141
hang in there, big man.

143
00:05:48,448 --> 00:05:50,350
Honest human emotion.

144
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:52,552
How refreshing.

145
00:05:55,488 --> 00:06:03,129
(JINGLE PLAYING)

146
00:06:03,229 --> 00:06:04,697
I don't want to
concern you,

147
00:06:04,797 --> 00:06:06,632
but I just found a hair
that could not have come

148
00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:08,067
from either one of us.

149
00:06:11,304 --> 00:06:12,805
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

150
00:06:12,905 --> 00:06:14,273
I know that move.

151
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,509
What, are you on one
of those adult websites?

152
00:06:16,609 --> 00:06:17,710
Huh?

153
00:06:17,810 --> 00:06:18,978
What? No.

154
00:06:19,078 --> 00:06:20,313
Come on, let me see.

155
00:06:20,413 --> 00:06:22,014
I'm very liberal.

156
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,618
Come on.
Let me see.

157
00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:26,652
Uh-huh.

158
00:06:26,753 --> 00:06:29,122
Didn't clear your history.
Rookie mistake.

159
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:30,523
Eddie, don't.

160
00:06:33,793 --> 00:06:36,796
You Googled
"Back plus cancer"?

161
00:06:38,431 --> 00:06:40,500
Did I?
Let me see that.

162
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,502
What's to see?
You did it.

163
00:06:42,602 --> 00:06:43,536
Well, I don't think I did.

164
00:06:43,636 --> 00:06:44,837
No, you did.

165
00:06:44,937 --> 00:06:46,873
You think
I have cancer?

166
00:06:46,973 --> 00:06:49,442
No. No, I don't think
that you have cancer.

167
00:06:49,542 --> 00:06:51,377
I just think that you
might have

168
00:06:52,278 --> 00:06:53,045
back cancer.

169
00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:54,947
Oh, my God!

170
00:06:55,047 --> 00:06:58,684
(STAMMERING) But you said
I was fine.

171
00:06:58,785 --> 00:07:00,353
Well, you're probably fine.

172
00:07:00,453 --> 00:07:01,587
Probably?

173
00:07:01,687 --> 00:07:03,122
Definitely.
You're definitely fine.

174
00:07:03,222 --> 00:07:04,624
No, no, no.
You said probably.

175
00:07:04,724 --> 00:07:05,725
Google "probably."

176
00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:07,660
"Definitely"
doesn't come up.

177
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:08,728
I'm sorry.

178
00:07:08,828 --> 00:07:11,330
As much as I joke
about what I would do

179
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,199
if you went first,

180
00:07:13,299 --> 00:07:14,834
I don't want you
to go first.

181
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:17,670
Well, I don't want me
to go first, either.

182
00:07:21,073 --> 00:07:22,141
Or you.

183
00:07:24,343 --> 00:07:25,645
I love you.

184
00:07:25,745 --> 00:07:26,846
I love you.

185
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:29,148
I don't ever want
to lose you.

186
00:07:29,248 --> 00:07:31,651
Well, I don't want
to be lost.

187
00:07:33,586 --> 00:07:37,490
♪ Hold tight, sweetie pie ♪

188
00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:46,899
How long you been
watching me?

189
00:07:46,999 --> 00:07:48,801
Just a few minutes.

190
00:07:49,702 --> 00:07:51,370
You do this
every morning?

191
00:07:58,110 --> 00:07:59,779
Well,

192
00:07:59,879 --> 00:08:02,114
I guess I should
get to school.

193
00:08:03,082 --> 00:08:04,951
It's Tater Tot day.

194
00:08:09,455 --> 00:08:10,957
Could be my last.

195
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,694
Why don't you skip
homeroom today?

196
00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:16,696
Skip homeroom?

197
00:08:16,796 --> 00:08:18,865
But I'll miss the Pledge.

198
00:08:18,965 --> 00:08:20,833
I think I might
have a better idea

199
00:08:20,933 --> 00:08:23,569
of how we can celebrate
this great nation.

200
00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:25,538
Oh, I like where
your head is at.

201
00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:29,909
Just let me pee first.
Okay, I know the drill.

202
00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:34,981
(PHONE RINGING)

203
00:08:38,384 --> 00:08:39,685
Hello.

204
00:08:40,586 --> 00:08:42,321
Oh, Dr. Wolfsburg, hi.

205
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:46,359
Oh, God.
That's great news.

206
00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:47,760
Okay, terrific.

207
00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:50,463
So it's just
an inflamed disk?

208
00:08:50,563 --> 00:08:52,498
Uh-huh.

209
00:08:52,598 --> 00:08:56,135
All right, so ice it,
then heat it.

210
00:08:56,235 --> 00:08:58,037
Okay, 'cause that seems
like a wash.

211
00:09:00,239 --> 00:09:01,407
I know you're busy.

212
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:06,512
Okay. Yes.
This is fantastic.

213
00:09:06,612 --> 00:09:07,747
Thank you.

214
00:09:07,847 --> 00:09:09,348
Okay. Love you.

215
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:12,952
Joy!

216
00:09:14,987 --> 00:09:17,423
What do you say we move
this party into the shower?

217
00:09:18,190 --> 00:09:19,358
I just...

218
00:09:20,593 --> 00:09:21,928
Shower?

219
00:09:23,262 --> 00:09:24,530
It's not my birthday.

220
00:09:25,698 --> 00:09:27,600
I know, but I just
thought that, you know,

221
00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:29,535
with everything that
you're going through,

222
00:09:29,635 --> 00:09:31,871
you should get everything
that you want.

223
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:33,973
I should.

224
00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:37,310
Who was on the phone?

225
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:40,880
Oh, it was a group
trying to raise money to

226
00:09:42,615 --> 00:09:46,052
send blind bald eagles
back into the wild.

227
00:09:49,155 --> 00:09:50,756
That's not gonna work.

228
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,761
Let's get to that shower.

229
00:09:57,830 --> 00:09:59,899
♪ Oh, baby, oh ♪

230
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:00,299
{\an8}st

231
00:10:00,299 --> 00:10:00,566
{\an8}st g

232
00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:00,600
{\an8}st gon

233
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:00,700
{\an8}st gonna

234
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:00,733
{\an8}st gonna
gi

235
00:10:00,733 --> 00:10:00,766
{\an8}st gonna
give

236
00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:00,800
{\an8}st gonna
give t

237
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:00,833
{\an8}st gonna
give the

238
00:10:00,833 --> 00:10:00,866
{\an8}st gonna
give them

239
00:10:00,866 --> 00:10:00,900
{\an8}st gonna
give them th

240
00:10:00,900 --> 00:10:00,933
{\an8}st gonna
give them the

241
00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:00,967
{\an8}st gonna
give them the fo

242
00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:01,000
{\an8}st gonna
give them the food

243
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:01,033
{\an8}st gonna
give them the food,

244
00:10:02,702 --> 00:10:04,837
but don't bring up
Mr. Pajamas, okay?

245
00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:06,138
Why not?

246
00:10:06,238 --> 00:10:07,840
Eddie is a human being
who's sick

247
00:10:07,940 --> 00:10:10,409
and he might find it
a little insulting

248
00:10:10,509 --> 00:10:12,578
if you keep comparing
him to a stray animal

249
00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:14,680
that you found
sleeping in a tire.

250
00:10:18,651 --> 00:10:20,052
Woodcocks.

251
00:10:20,152 --> 00:10:21,253
What are you doing
here so early?

252
00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:23,022
I'm still
in my pajamas.

253
00:10:23,122 --> 00:10:24,523
Pajamas.

254
00:10:26,025 --> 00:10:28,494
Keep it together,
honey.

255
00:10:28,594 --> 00:10:31,063
Please enjoy
these stuffed shells.

256
00:10:36,402 --> 00:10:37,770
Come in.

257
00:10:40,239 --> 00:10:41,707
Hey, I'm sorry
about Steph.

258
00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:44,443
I know that's the last thing
you need right now.

259
00:10:44,543 --> 00:10:47,013
Not a problem.
Joy's already gone.

260
00:10:47,113 --> 00:10:48,447
If I hit these
shells hard,

261
00:10:48,547 --> 00:10:50,082
she'll never know
they existed.

262
00:10:51,617 --> 00:10:53,786
It's great to see you
stay positive, Eddie.

263
00:10:53,886 --> 00:10:55,855
Because as much as traditional
medicine will help,

264
00:10:55,955 --> 00:10:58,024
it means nothing
unless you make the decision

265
00:10:58,124 --> 00:10:59,592
from within
to beat this.

266
00:10:59,692 --> 00:11:01,427
I'm not dying.
Exactly.

267
00:11:01,527 --> 00:11:03,095
I mean, I don't
have a disease.

268
00:11:03,195 --> 00:11:04,430
You tell 'em, Eddie.

269
00:11:04,530 --> 00:11:06,165
You hear that? Huh?

270
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:10,369
Okay, hey, hey.
Eyes up here, Woodcock.

271
00:11:10,469 --> 00:11:11,804
The doctor called
this morning

272
00:11:11,904 --> 00:11:13,806
and he said that
I'm gonna be fine.

273
00:11:13,906 --> 00:11:15,541
That's great!

274
00:11:15,641 --> 00:11:16,976
Wow, you gotta
be thrilled, huh?

275
00:11:17,076 --> 00:11:19,412
Oh, yeah.
Feels like I won the lottery.

276
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:20,713
Joy's gotta be relieved.

277
00:11:20,813 --> 00:11:22,415
Yeah. Yeah.
She will be.

278
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:25,284
She will be. Yeah.

279
00:11:25,384 --> 00:11:26,285
You haven't
told her yet?

280
00:11:26,385 --> 00:11:27,420
No.

281
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,921
No.

282
00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,356
No.

283
00:11:30,456 --> 00:11:31,957
I mean, I will.

284
00:11:32,058 --> 00:11:33,325
Look, I mean,
she's my wife.

285
00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:35,294
I'm gonna tell her, but...

286
00:11:35,394 --> 00:11:38,030
Why haven't you told her?

287
00:11:38,130 --> 00:11:40,066
All right, look.
Here's the thing.

288
00:11:40,166 --> 00:11:41,867
Ever since I've been dying,

289
00:11:41,967 --> 00:11:45,604
the activities in the bedroom
have been crazy freaky.

290
00:11:49,108 --> 00:11:53,145
You're having better sex
because Joy thinks
you're dying?

291
00:11:53,245 --> 00:11:56,048
I have stepped
into something great here.

292
00:11:57,616 --> 00:11:59,752
Now that she thinks that
the circus is leaving town,

293
00:11:59,852 --> 00:12:01,620
she can't stay out
of the big top.

294
00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:05,825
Well,

295
00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:07,860
isn't that great?

296
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:09,929
Bravo to you.

297
00:12:10,029 --> 00:12:12,631
Aren't you just
the big winner here?

298
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,168
All right, what's up
your skirt, Woodcock?

299
00:12:16,268 --> 00:12:19,405
Why are you begrudging me
my sexual renaissance?

300
00:12:19,505 --> 00:12:21,407
I'm gonna tell you why,
Eddie.

301
00:12:21,507 --> 00:12:23,342
Because despite
his adorable name,

302
00:12:23,442 --> 00:12:27,980
Mr. Pajamas was the meanest
son-of-a-bitch cat
in all of history.

303
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:32,251
He finally dies and we have
a Greek Orthodox funeral
for him.

304
00:12:32,351 --> 00:12:35,488
And then two months
of mourning with no sex,

305
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:38,023
because how could I think
about that with Mr. P gone?

306
00:12:38,124 --> 00:12:41,060
And then finally, finally
the memory starts to fade,

307
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:42,228
I'm gonna get my wife back.

308
00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:43,996
Until boom, you're dying,

309
00:12:44,096 --> 00:12:46,532
and then I'm spending
my nights watching a video

310
00:12:46,632 --> 00:12:49,101
that she likes to call
Mr. Pajamas' Greatest Hits,

311
00:12:49,201 --> 00:12:52,138
which is basically
five hours of a cat
chasing a laser pointer.

312
00:12:52,238 --> 00:12:54,707
So you can understand
why the fact that you
made the whole thing up

313
00:12:54,807 --> 00:12:58,177
makes me
want to rip the heart
right out of your body!

314
00:13:06,585 --> 00:13:07,920
I'll be waiting in the car.

315
00:13:08,754 --> 00:13:10,890
(JINGLE PLAYING)

316
00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:17,163
I'm home, dear.

317
00:13:17,263 --> 00:13:18,697
In here.

318
00:13:19,431 --> 00:13:22,134
I got some
new shower gel.

319
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,506
Be prepared
to smell like

320
00:13:27,606 --> 00:13:31,043
"Lemon zest.
Now with grease cutter"?

321
00:13:31,143 --> 00:13:34,613
Crap. I bought
dishwashing liquid.

322
00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:38,117
That's okay, sweetie.
I thought that we would

323
00:13:38,217 --> 00:13:39,785
have a nice dinner

324
00:13:39,885 --> 00:13:41,854
and, you know, look
at these old photo albums

325
00:13:41,954 --> 00:13:43,923
and just hang out
and talk.

326
00:13:44,924 --> 00:13:45,891
Talk?

327
00:13:48,994 --> 00:13:50,663
But I got this
fancy dish soap.

328
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,199
Come here.

329
00:13:53,299 --> 00:13:54,733
Sit down.

330
00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:57,469
Look at this one.

331
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,004
Remember, just after
Allison was born,

332
00:13:59,104 --> 00:14:00,372
we took her to
the Bucks County fair?

333
00:14:00,472 --> 00:14:02,708
Yep. I'm holding
a bratwurst,

334
00:14:02,808 --> 00:14:06,045
a big pickle,
and my baby girl.

335
00:14:06,145 --> 00:14:09,348
What,
were your arms broken?
You're not even helping.

336
00:14:09,448 --> 00:14:11,350
I'm right there,
holding my bucket of beer.

337
00:14:12,985 --> 00:14:15,654
Check that out.
What, are we holding hands?

338
00:14:16,956 --> 00:14:18,357
Yeah.

339
00:14:18,457 --> 00:14:19,692
That's weird.

340
00:14:21,227 --> 00:14:22,127
Hmm.

341
00:14:26,665 --> 00:14:28,334
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

342
00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:30,269
♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo ♪

343
00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:31,737
JEFF: All right,
so let me get this straight.

344
00:14:31,837 --> 00:14:33,639
You didn't even have sex?

345
00:14:33,739 --> 00:14:35,441
I thought
that was the whole point.

346
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:37,142
Last night
we didn't even have to.

347
00:14:37,243 --> 00:14:39,645
We started
connecting on
a whole different level.

348
00:14:39,745 --> 00:14:42,414
We were
actually talking.

349
00:14:42,514 --> 00:14:44,950
I don't know how often
you've spoken to Joy,
but she is fascinating.

350
00:14:46,485 --> 00:14:48,153
And it turns out,

351
00:14:48,254 --> 00:14:51,390
being faced with
your own mortality
isn't just good for sex,

352
00:14:51,490 --> 00:14:53,025
but it makes
everything better.

353
00:14:56,128 --> 00:14:58,831
You're not actually dying!

354
00:14:58,931 --> 00:15:00,366
You have a slipped disk.

355
00:15:00,466 --> 00:15:02,968
Your doctor prescribed
Tylenol and a heating pad.

356
00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:06,005
But I never felt so alive
since I've been fake dying.

357
00:15:06,105 --> 00:15:10,175
And it's just not with Joy.
I'm appreciating life more.

358
00:15:10,276 --> 00:15:14,546
This morning
I spent an entire hour
savoring an English muffin.

359
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:17,950
I don't know what's better,
the nooks or the crannies.

360
00:15:18,050 --> 00:15:19,618
And when I went
to get my paper,

361
00:15:19,718 --> 00:15:22,087
I saw a little
bunny rabbit on my lawn.

362
00:15:22,187 --> 00:15:24,456
He was just sitting there,
not doing anything
in particular,

363
00:15:24,556 --> 00:15:27,226
just enjoying the day.

364
00:15:27,326 --> 00:15:28,727
I learned a lot
from that bunny.

365
00:15:30,062 --> 00:15:32,231
(JINGLE PLAYING)

366
00:15:32,331 --> 00:15:34,500
Today,
ladies and gentlemen,

367
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,603
we're not just
gonna learn about history,

368
00:15:37,703 --> 00:15:40,339
we're going to live it!

369
00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:43,442
And in order to do that,
I need a Lewis

370
00:15:44,310 --> 00:15:45,611
and a Clark

371
00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:48,013
and a Sacajawea!

372
00:15:53,018 --> 00:15:56,255
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa,
here we go ♪

373
00:15:57,523 --> 00:15:59,291
More sangria?

374
00:15:59,391 --> 00:16:02,194
Si, por favor.

375
00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:05,698
Oh, do you remember
the last time we laid
out like this,

376
00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:08,467
just sitting,
staring up at the stars?

377
00:16:08,567 --> 00:16:10,402
Cape Cod.

378
00:16:10,502 --> 00:16:14,640
We rented that beach house
and ate clam chowder
three times a day.

379
00:16:14,740 --> 00:16:17,142
Yeah, that's
how we found out that
I was allergic to shellfish

380
00:16:17,242 --> 00:16:19,545
and my neck blew up
like a giant balloon.

381
00:16:21,847 --> 00:16:24,049
I wanna go back there.

382
00:16:24,149 --> 00:16:25,784
Put that
on the to-do list.

383
00:16:26,285 --> 00:16:28,053
Okay.

384
00:16:28,153 --> 00:16:29,054
Go back to the Cape.

385
00:16:29,154 --> 00:16:31,290
All right.
So, what do we got so far?

386
00:16:31,390 --> 00:16:33,158
Well, we have, "The Cape.

387
00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:36,161
"Climb K2,

388
00:16:36,261 --> 00:16:37,563
"do one of those karate moves

389
00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:40,232
"where you break a board
with your head,

390
00:16:40,332 --> 00:16:42,568
"and swim in the nude."

391
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:44,870
Not with other guys.

392
00:16:44,970 --> 00:16:49,541
You know, these last
two days have been so hard,

393
00:16:49,641 --> 00:16:53,545
but in sort of a weird way,
they've been kind of great.

394
00:16:53,645 --> 00:16:54,847
Yeah.

395
00:16:56,048 --> 00:16:57,649
We should really call
Allison up at school

396
00:16:57,750 --> 00:16:58,917
and let her know
what's going on.

397
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,120
What do you mean?
What's going on?

398
00:17:02,721 --> 00:17:04,156
With you.

399
00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:06,959
Oh! Yeah.

400
00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:09,161
You know what,

401
00:17:09,261 --> 00:17:13,132
college is supposed to
be the most exciting
time of her life,

402
00:17:13,232 --> 00:17:15,234
and she's probably drunk
as hell right now,

403
00:17:15,334 --> 00:17:18,637
and, you know,
I don't want to
call her and kill the buzz.

404
00:17:18,737 --> 00:17:19,972
I really think we should
call her tomorrow.

405
00:17:20,072 --> 00:17:22,041
(STAMMERING) Yeah.
You know, I don't know.

406
00:17:22,141 --> 00:17:24,710
I just don't
think we should

407
00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:27,813
because I may not
be sick.

408
00:17:29,415 --> 00:17:30,849
I'm not sick.

409
00:17:33,185 --> 00:17:34,319
What's that?

410
00:17:34,420 --> 00:17:36,088
Yep, the doctor
called yesterday

411
00:17:36,188 --> 00:17:39,191
and it's just
an inflamed disk.

412
00:17:39,291 --> 00:17:41,126
Whoa, is that
a load off, huh?

413
00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:42,428
Freshen up your drink,
darling?

414
00:17:42,528 --> 00:17:46,098
Yesterday?
The doctor called yesterday?

415
00:17:46,198 --> 00:17:49,068
Yeah. Yeah.
Right before our shower.

416
00:17:51,036 --> 00:17:52,504
You let me think
that you were dying

417
00:17:52,604 --> 00:17:55,374
so we could party with
a detachable shower head?

418
00:17:55,474 --> 00:17:56,809
Yeah. Well,
it just wasn't that,

419
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:59,011
but I do have to admit,
when you put that thing
on pulse,

420
00:17:59,111 --> 00:18:01,113
boy, it took me right
back to the 70s.

421
00:18:01,213 --> 00:18:02,648
Eddie!
Okay, it was sick,

422
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:04,983
but it became so much
more than sex.

423
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,619
And what's happening
right here is so much deeper.

424
00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:09,321
And here's
the best part,

425
00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:13,158
we don't have
to think I'm dying
to have all of this.

426
00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:14,660
It's like
the Dumbo story.

427
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,396
Remember, Dumbo thought
that he needed that
feather to fly,

428
00:18:17,496 --> 00:18:21,867
but it turned out
that he could fly
without the feather.

429
00:18:21,967 --> 00:18:24,403
See, that's you and me.

430
00:18:24,503 --> 00:18:25,871
We're Dumbo.

431
00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:34,012
You're looking at me
like you've never
seen  Dumbo.

432
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:37,916
You're actually
sitting there talking
about a flying elephant?

433
00:18:38,016 --> 00:18:39,084
You lied to me.

434
00:18:39,184 --> 00:18:42,454
You told me you were dying
of a terminal illness.

435
00:18:42,554 --> 00:18:44,356
All right, look.

436
00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:46,291
You know, since
we're pointing fingers here,

437
00:18:46,391 --> 00:18:49,394
I'm a little offended that
you're not happier
that I'm okay.

438
00:18:49,495 --> 00:18:51,797
I mean, I made it.
I beat this thing.

439
00:18:51,897 --> 00:18:53,866
I'm gonna live.

440
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:55,334
Not necessarily.

441
00:18:55,434 --> 00:18:57,269
Well...
All right, look.

442
00:18:57,369 --> 00:18:58,804
Joy, let me...

443
00:18:58,904 --> 00:19:01,840
Let me put this differently.

444
00:19:01,940 --> 00:19:03,475
Have you seen  Pinocchio?

445
00:19:03,575 --> 00:19:05,777
Do you know what
I have been doing
for the past two days?

446
00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:09,381
Do you?
I have been blaming
myself for everything,

447
00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:12,217
from forcing us to buy a house
too close to power lines

448
00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:15,821
to letting you eat that crusty
black stuff off the grill.

449
00:19:15,921 --> 00:19:17,823
Is our life
so bad together

450
00:19:17,923 --> 00:19:19,992
that you had to pretend
you were dying to
make it better?

451
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:21,860
It's not that it's so bad.

452
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,328
I just thought
I could spice it up.

453
00:19:23,428 --> 00:19:26,532
You know,
like how people
wear wigs or role-play.

454
00:19:26,632 --> 00:19:28,500
(IN WOMAN'S VOICE)
"Oh, my, Colonel Beauregard.

455
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:30,335
"It's so hot
out on the veranda.

456
00:19:30,435 --> 00:19:33,272
"I have some sweet tea
up in my boudoir."

457
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:36,074
Like that.

458
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:37,409
I don't know
what's worse,

459
00:19:37,509 --> 00:19:39,578
the fact that
you're a lying freak

460
00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:43,815
or that you think any part
of what you just said
just now was sexy.

461
00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:46,118
I can't believe
I fell for this.

462
00:19:46,218 --> 00:19:49,321
I watched  Ultimate Fighting
with you.

463
00:19:49,421 --> 00:19:50,422
I massaged your feet.

464
00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:51,657
I...

465
00:19:52,891 --> 00:19:54,259
I touched your feet.

466
00:19:55,093 --> 00:19:56,461
Well, you know,
say what you want,

467
00:19:56,562 --> 00:19:58,096
and even though this may have
come from the wrong place,

468
00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:00,799
you have to admit
that the last couple of days

469
00:20:00,899 --> 00:20:02,501
have been pretty magical.

470
00:20:02,601 --> 00:20:05,771
Yeah? How do you think
the next couple of days
are gonna be, huh?

471
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:07,206
Unmagical?

472
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:09,741
Oh, you have no idea!

473
00:20:09,841 --> 00:20:11,643
Yeah, well, you know what,
you don't scare me, lady,

474
00:20:11,743 --> 00:20:13,779
because I stared death
right in the face

475
00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:15,380
and I won!

476
00:20:17,115 --> 00:20:18,850
I'm so very sorry.

477
00:20:21,687 --> 00:20:23,956
♪ Yeah!

478
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:27,025
♪ Yeah, yeah,
whee, whoo, whoo ♪

479
00:20:40,606 --> 00:20:42,307
{\an8}Joy told you
I was going to live?

480
00:20:42,407 --> 00:20:46,178
{\an8}Yes, and liars
don't get my shells.

481
00:20:50,148 --> 00:20:53,352
{\an8}Well, nobody liked
Mr. Bojangles but you.

482
00:20:53,452 --> 00:20:54,953
{\an8}It's Pajamas.

483
00:20:55,053 --> 00:20:57,656
{\an8}And there were 48 people
at his funeral.

484
00:21:00,559 --> 00:21:02,261
{\an8}♪ Ah, hey ♪